In an unexpected turn of events President Bush has proposed an entirely new method of turning the tide of illegals crossing the border north to the US. His claims that although the crossings are illegal the offenders receive no actual penaltly for breaking the law and they should include more than just being turned around and shipped back to Mexico with out so much as a spanking. His plan involves setting up giant movie screens every so often along the border facing south that will play continuous reruns of old Three Stooges movies to show that we mean business and they should turn back now.

The overall idea according to Bush is to “Illustrate what kind of punishment they will have to expect if they get caught on an illegal crossing. The punishment will include but will not be limited to: ear tugging, eye poking, foot stomping, pants burning with hot irons, lying on the floor and “running” in circles while woofing like a dog, smacked in the face with cream pies, participating in food fights and learning to snap your fingers and crack your knuckles rapidly while yelling “Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk!”

When asked if he sincerely thought that this plan would work he snapped back, “Why Coitenly!!! Nyuk, Nyuk, Nyuk”

Technorati tags: bush, cheney, rumsfeld, stooges, illegals, news, immigrants, border

Have you seen those silly TV ads about a new medication to help control swollen prostate glands? I never saw a bunch of guys so happy about just being able to pee when they want to. Now they can really celebrate life after taking this wonder drug! Woohoo! This ad totally reminds me of the ads for feminine disposable douche, remember those? Too much information! These prostate medication ads are pretty funny (unintentionally) but I thought they would be even better with a little more realism tossed in, like this:

Now I ask you, isn’t that much better than a group of guys standing out on a golf course laughing it up because their prostates now function normally?

Technorati tags: swollen prostate, medical, tv ads, funny, humor, crazy

Johnny’s brain is always working overtime (just to keep up!) and has a few Mom’s day gift ideas for you guys. I know you’re all excited now! One of the coolest things you can do for your mom is to go out and get a killer new tattoo that she will treasure always. This is provided that you’re the one wearing it, not her! Here’s one that would look really cool and is guaranteed to impress any mom out there! Laser removal surgery not included.

Of course Johnny knows that a cool new tattoo isn’t for everybody, especially not wussies, gurly men and people that just don’t love their mother quite that much… so he has a couple more gift ideas! How about a nifty retro toaster from the 1930’s? Knowing how poor the wiring was back in those days I would suggest that you make sure her home is fully insured before buying her one of these beauties! Fire insurance not included with purchase! Everytime she burns the toast she’ll think of you!

Last of all I bring you the ultimate mothers day gift. A vacuum cleaner that everyone can truly appreciate. This baby has 400HP and can suck a basketball thru a garden hose, not to mention small household pets, very young children and the veneer right off the living room floor… Portability is a minor issue but who cares when you’ve got the worlds most powerful vacuum cleaner sitting right in the middle of the den! Hearing protection not included.

Nothing but the best for dear old Mom!

Technorati tags: mothers day, mom, tattoos, gift ideas, gadgets, humor, crazy, weird

Gigantic mechanical spiders from Venus vow revenge after watching their cousins from Mars fail in their mission to destroy Tom Cruise. Actually, this is just a screenshot from a new Tom Cruise epic in the making, “War of the Worlds 2″ where huge mechanical spiders descend on Earth and chase Tom all over the landscape, just like in “War of the Worlds”.

When interviewed, Tom claimed that this one would be far bigger and better than the first movie, with edge of your seat special effects and a 400 million dollar budget. He went on… “The spiders in this movie think they are much smarter than the Martians and are much more determined to destroy me and ultimately Earth. In the end they find that they cannot exist in Earth’s oxygen rich atmosphere which causes them to rust up so badly they become immobilized… eventually crumpling into rusted heaps of metal. Oh, crap! Did I just give the plot away? I hate when that happens…”

Gee, that sounds so… exciting… If we’re lucky they’ll rewrite the ending with Tom dying in the last scene… we can only hope!

Technorati tags: Tom Cruise, Mars, Venus, spiders, weird, humor, funny